MURCIETTE, christabel evangeline

That was the thing about Cordelia, the big gestures had never been as important to her as all the small ones in between and while she appreciated and adored the gift that Jeremy had gotten her, it was still the little things along the way that stuck with her too. Grandiose and elaborate were usually the way to a girl’s heart because it gave them the impression that you had put enough thought in to things and time and effort that a singular act could seize them by the heart. But for Cordie it was the daily smiles, the sound of your laughter, those sweet kisses that you left on her cheek, and the feeling of protective arms wrapping around her, even just the affection in your voice when you said her name that constantly tugged on her heart strings. Jeremy had always done all those things for her and though she may have looked for the star he had given her, when she remembered them together, it wasn’t that shining beacon that refreshed her memory as to the way he had loved her- its purpose was far different than that- it was simply a trigger for remembering how he had loved her. It was that big heart of hers being the sentimental fool yet again, the great flaw and yet, though Cordelia didn’t always realize it and people had a tendency of underestimating it, what made her as strong as she was.

The people in her life, the good and the bad, had always helped her to grow, helped her heart to become a little bit stronger. Maybe that was why she had put herself in certain positions because it was that challenge, not for the sake of a good gamble, but some subconscious knowledge that with great heartache usually followed the strength to carry on. Being a psychology major had a way of making her look at things a little bit differently. In the past Cordie had never looked too closely at herself it was out of fear and still something that she was terrified of. With the carnage that she was capable of leaving behind her and in fact did on occasion, self-reflection had her worrying that the person she ended up hating who she was, seeing herself as a bad person because Cordelia wasn’t as good as people in Hampton thought that she was. She had her fair share of skeletons and darkness that only one person had ever truly been able to call out in her and the worst part about it was that Cordie liked it- she liked being bad.

Inherently, people were flawed. Notions such as good and bad, light and dark were preconceived by morals that didn’t always fit into the circumstances that surrounded them. She was Catholic, had grown up with those values that came with it and the expectations of what was right and wrong. However, what they never taught you- be it in church, or your parents, and any other influence on those ethics was that everything was always subjective. Cordelia was seductive as was she seduced by certain things and you couldn’t have one without the other- it was the balance and at no point in anyone’s life would there be a constant state of equality, both sides teetered. That devil and angel on your shoulder, neither ever went away and so was the very real and raw fact of human beings. This realization that Cordie had come to allowed her to self-analyze herself for the good and the bad and everything in between and she had come to the conclusion that in the end she was just human. It made a lot more sense for her in terms of her relationships with other people. Where she and Jeremy hadn’t been on the best terms that too was subjective and it seemed as though the balance was leaning back toward something good, at least for the two of them. ”How about instead of going back we just keep moving forward? Maybe we can find something better than the friendship we had before we dated.” The proposal was open, having a better line of communication with Jeremy was something that she wanted to work toward.